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His response was a text with a screenshot of search results for
the search, "Why marriage counseling is a bad idea."
I was stunned. How could marriage counseling be a bad idea? Is it
ever a good idea? If so, when might that be?
In our previous post, in which we discussed principles of marriage and divorce, we hit on three main responsibilities a
husband has toward his wife. We called these the 3 P’s: provision, protection,
and (ideally) pleasure (marital duties – you know, sex). A wife’s main
responsibilities are to respect/submit to her husband and marital
duties. Both should remain faithful. If you don’t understand why the primary
responsibilities of each spouse are a little different, please go back and read that post. As we said before, failure to provide these
needs results in offenses that MIGHT be grounds for divorce: abuse, neglect, or
unfaithfulness. Remember, divorce is never ideal. God hates divorce!
However, there may be times when it is warranted. Please, before you even
entertain the idea, try these steps first. Maybe divorce isn’t even on your
radar, but you need a fresh look at what God wants marriage to look like. It is
our prayer that these guidelines will help you to stay out of the ditch!
So, first of all, if you're a Christian, DON'T go to a secular (non-biblical)
counselor, unless your spouse is not a Christian and he or she absolutely
refuses to seek Christian counsel; in which case, don't be optimistic about the
outcome. The counsel you receive will very likely contradict the biblical view.
Why does this matter so much?
This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic (James 3:15).[1]
Did you get that? Secular counsel can be demonic! It might seem to be
good at first glance; it may even incorporate some biblical ideas, but it’s
going to lack the strength that a biblical foundation provides, and it may even
make things worse. Seeking secular counsel would be walking "in the
counsel of the wicked" (Ps. 1:1).[2] Trust
God on this. His wisdom is going to yield a better return:
But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere (James 3:17).[3]
God’s wisdom is ALWAYS superior to mankind’s wisdom.
For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men (1 Cor. 1:25).[4]
Here, the “foolishness of God” refers to the least wise idea He
could ever have, which would still be wiser than the best that humanity has to
offer.
Another reason it’s not a good idea to go to a secular counselor
is that it would violate Paul's admonition in 1 Corinthians 6:1-8:
When one of you has a grievance against another, does he dare go to law before the unrighteous instead of the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, then, matters pertaining to this life! So if you have such cases, why do you lay them before those who have no standing in the church? I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers, but brother goes to law against brother, and that before unbelievers? To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded? But you yourselves wrong and defraud—even your own brothers![5]
To clarify, this passage does refer to taking someone to court,
which is certainly a step beyond marriage counseling, but the underlying
principle carries weight in both instances: “…If you have such cases, why do
you lay them before those who have no standing in the church?” Paul punctuates
this argument by challenging the prospect that there is no one wise enough in
the church to provide righteous judgment. If there really is no one in your
church who is wise enough to provide good, biblical counsel, maybe you need to
find another church.
Now to answer the question above (“Is it ever a good idea?”), there
is a time for biblical counseling; the difficulty is determining what qualifies
as truly biblical counseling. Just like with other Bible
doctrines, there are many interpretations of the Bible, and while there are
many applications of Scripture, there is but one meaning
intended by the Author. So, for those who are approaching the Bible as the
authoritative Word of God, it is important to discern His intended
meaning, and this requires a work of the Holy Spirit. So...
Step 1: Pray for God to lead you and your spouse into a right understanding
of the principles laid out in His word.
The views of gender roles can be represented on a spectrum, which we'll call a road. To use an analogy we've used previously, the extremes can be
thought of as ditches to avoid falling into.
a) In one ditch is the radical feminist view.
This implies that women have the final say in an impasse and that men should
follow their lead. Regardless of what our culture has to say about this
approach, this is not the scriptural model. If you believe women are higher in
the authority chain than men, you have not been taking the Bible at face value,
or you have rejected it as authoritative. The feminist view is refuted in just
about every book of the Bible. Starting in Genesis, God created Eve for Adam,
not the other way around.
b) On the other side of the spectrum or road is the tyrannical Patriarchal ditch. If you believe that women were just created to serve men and
should be treated like doormats, you have failed to understand God’s primary
mandate to husbands in Ephesians 5:25:
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her[6]
…and Colossians 3:19:
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.[7]
While
men have authority over their wives, this structure is not a master/slave
relationship, or even an employer/employee relationship. Many people have been
abused in this ditch: women and children. The man who reigns as the king of his
household or his church family may let that power go to his head and cloud his
judgment. Again, the primary mandate for a husband is to love. Jonathan Leeman
of 9Marks has written an excellent article on Complimentarianism (the “right-lane”
view). Click here to read why a husband is not to enforce his authority over
his wife. (Following the link will take you away from
this website.)
c) In the absolute middle of the road is perfect equality. Previously, when I used this analogy, I called the middle ground "the narrow path," but that path is not on the yellow line that separates the lanes. On that line there is no difference in the roles of men and women. The egalitarian view is readily embraced by many modern Christians, who think that all that patriarchal stuff is just so much obsolete cultural residue. But have you ever tried to drive in the middle of the road? You might hear someone like me, yelling, “Pick a beepin’ lane!” as they take off your side mirror and scrape the paint off of your car. I know, it’s just an analogy, but it applies! This is not the biblical model, either. As Adrian Rogers once said, “Anything with no head is dead, and anything with two heads is a freak.”[8] There has to be a hierarchy. And biblically, there is. To clarify, men and women are equal in value, but their roles are not equivalent; they are different. God's order of authority is God the Father, God the Son, husbands, and wives (1 Cor. 11:3). God the Son isn't less important than God the Father, and wives aren't less important than husbands. It's just how God ordained the hierarchy.
It might be fair to say that your counselor should be a man, because he's advising or teaching another man. A husband-wife team could also be a good option if the husband is leading the conversation. If you need more insight about why it’s important for men to counsel men, or more specifically why women shouldn't teach men, please watch this short video from Wordboard.
d) Drive in the right lane. I know that in many
countries you’re supposed to drive on the left side of the road, so our analogy
won’t make everybody happy, but for some of us, the right lane is the correct lane,
and this is where the Scripture directs us to “drive.” Here, the husband is the
authority of his home, but he does not rule from a throne. He does not
disregard the counsel and feelings of his wife, but he is not subject to her,
either. God has given the husband the final word in an impasse, and He commands
in Eph. 5:22-24,
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.[9]
This does not mean women are less valuable than men. I wish I knew
who to give credit to for the best analogy I’ve heard about this. I thought it
was Adrian Rogers, but I can’t find it, now. (Let me know in the comments if you happen to know who said it.)
Which is more valuable, iron or gold?
That depends on whether you’re building a skyscraper or making a
necklace. Each is valuable for its own purpose, but gold isn’t ideal for
structural strength, and iron lacks the delicate beauty for jewelry. Each metal
is valuable in its proper role. I know I don't mind being compared to gold. So…
Step 2: Before you run out and involve someone else, sit down with
your spouse and study biblical passages that address gender roles in marriage
(you can start with some of the passages we've covered). If you recognize that you have fallen short in
any particular area, apologize for that from the heart. In other words,
don’t say “I’m sorry” just because that’s what you think your spouse wants
to hear. Let him or her show you where he/she thinks you are failing to meet
God’s standard for husbands/wives. Let the other person speak openly and honestly.
Don’t interrupt and don’t argue. You will have an opportunity to express your
viewpoint when he or she is finished if you can stay calm, but if you aren't given that opportunity, you can start on improving what your spouse addressed. If he or she accuses you of doing
something that you don’t see as a biblical violation, ask him or her to clarify
why he/she believes that it is. If he/she says something that amounts to, “You
don’t spend enough time with me,” or “We aren’t intimate enough,” or “You
aren’t doing enough,” interpret that as the perception that you’re neglecting
your spouse. If he/she says something equivalent to, “You’re too harsh with
me,” interpret that as the perception that you’re being abusive.
If he/she says, “You look at other women/men too much,” or “You spend too much
time with others of the opposite sex,” interpret that as the perception
that you’re being unfaithful – in heart or mind, if not in body, and BE
WILLING TO CHANGE, even if you think your spouse’s perception is wrong. (Of course, you're not obligated to comply with your spouse's wishes if that causes you to violate a biblical principle yourself.) Your
marriage is more important to God than any other relationship He has given you,
except for the one you have with Him, because it is designed to reflect the
relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church. So, if your spouse is
jealous, alleviate that concern if at all possible. A good principle to
implement is:
Abstain from all appearance of evil (1 Th. 5:22, KJV).[10]
Having some well-placed boundaries may not only protect you from
your spouse’s jealousy, it will spare you the temptation that could lead to
unfaithfulness. Set a standard for yourself never to be alone with someone of
the opposite sex. This standard is applicable even if you aren’t married,
because it can protect you from false accusations, which could generate just as
much trouble in your life as actually being unfaithful.
Husbands, if you’re not the spiritual leader in your home, if your
wife’s devotion to Jesus Christ (demonstrated through obedience to New
Testament principles) is stronger than yours, you are very likely to continue
to have authority and respect struggles until you assume that role in your marriage.
If you’re not modeling Christ to her, it makes it very difficult for her to
respect you and submit to your leadership, which is her biblical mandate. If you
are the reason she is struggling to respect you, you may be causing her to
stumble, in which case, you have a lot to answer to God for. Humbly and
lovingly lead her to follow Christ, who is your leader.
But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God (1 Cor. 11:3).[11]
If Jesus is not your leader, you have much bigger problems ahead
of you than marital strife, so make your relationship with Jesus your number one
priority! (Click here if you need some help with that.)
Wives, if you are trying to lead your family instead of letting
your husband lead, you’re likely to be very frustrated trying to fulfill a role
God did not design you for. If you are a single mom (or a single dad), my heart
goes out to you. This is not the way God intended for families to operate. Seek
out fellowship and support from other Christians and family members. And don’t
compromise biblical principles just to have a man around (or a woman, if you’re
a single dad). That will just lead to other problems! God can and will provide
for you if you’re honoring Him with your life.
Step 3: If you have tried to resolve your marriage problems by addressing
biblical roles and mandates, and you just cannot move forward, this is the time
to seek counsel. Just remember, if your counselor does not adhere to the above
"right-lane" view, the counsel you receive will not be true biblical
counsel. Many churches and other Christian organizations offer what they call
"Christian counseling," but it's often just secular counseling being
implemented by a Christian (or someone who professes to be one). If your
counselor has a Sigmund Freud shrine and encourages the husband
to get in touch with his feminine side, run for the door. Husbands don't need
to be more like women; they need to be more like Jesus.
In our next post, we will address when to involve authorities and pursue
legal action. It’s not always the best thing to do, and we’ll explain why. Meanwhile,
if you’re in an abusive relationship and are genuinely concerned for your
safety, please find a safe place away from that person to give yourself time to
carefully weigh your options. Remember, we are not advocating for divorce, but
we don’t want you to remain in a dangerous situation. If you have been abused
sexually or physically and need the protection of the governing authorities, we
don’t want to discourage you from getting the help you need, but you need to
know that SOMETIMES THE VICTIM ENDS UP BEING THE ONE THAT GETS BLAMED. This is
a grievous evil that we have seen firsthand in an unrelated family situation.
So if time is on your side, take time to pray and carefully decide how to handle your situation. Don’t do anything that you will regret
later. When you do decide to act, do it because it is right, not because it seems right.
Just a reminder:
We are not professional counselors. We understand that many of our readers have already experienced the agony of broken marriage. It is not our intent to condemn anyone who may have handled their own situation differently in the past. We encourage you to seek God in prayer as you study the Scriptures for yourself, and find peace in living for Him today.
We are not professional counselors. We understand that many of our readers have already experienced the agony of broken marriage. It is not our intent to condemn anyone who may have handled their own situation differently in the past. We encourage you to seek God in prayer as you study the Scriptures for yourself, and find peace in living for Him today.
We recommend:
1. Marriage Counseling Will Not
Work Unless You Do These 10 Things. While we have not vetted this author for
other doctrinal soundness, this is a good article (written by a marriage
counselor) about how NOT to succeed in marriage counseling: https://goodmenproject.com/marriage-2/marriage-counseling-will-not-work-unless-you-do-these-10-things-dg/
2. For those who have been victims
of the Patriarchal Tyrant (men ruling their homes from a position of absolute
authority, with no regard for the input or feelings of their wives or children),
this article is the personal testimony of someone who rose above the
dysfunction that growing up in this environment generated in her life. Husbands/fathers
can read for pitfalls to avoid; wives and children suffering from this form of
tyranny may find some hope and healing: https://www.heresthejoy.com/2019/08/the-best-counsel-i-ever-received-its-not-what-youd-expect-guest-post-by-ruth-harris/
3. Here’s the Joy author
Rebecca Davis has done extensive research on abuse and here, she responds to a
sermon by Ryan Fullerton, in which he addresses the concept, “Innocent until
proven guilty.” Davis exposes some of the fallacies employed by Fullerton. A
good cautionary tale and a call to action when abuse is reported: https://www.heresthejoy.com/2018/01/that-old-innocent-until-proven-guilty-question/
4. In the case of a believer living
with an abusive or adulterous spouse, we again refer you to the penetrating
insight of Rebecca Davis: https://www.heresthejoy.com/2018/07/the-unbelieving-spouse-is-sanctified-by-the-believer-examining-1-corinthians-713-16-part-one/
5. Brett and I both found the insights of Dr.
Gary Chapman to be particularly helpful in communicating love in a way our
spouse can understand it, in his book, The Five Love Languages. His
website contains some of the basic principles found in the book: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/5-love-languages/
6. Brett recommends Family Life
for its practical value in helping to resolve some of the common pitfalls of
marriage: https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/
7. Focus on the Family has
many resources for married couples from a biblical viewpoint: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/
…Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight.[12]
Peace.
[1] The
Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles,
2016), Jas 3:15.
[2] ESV,
Ps 1:1.
[8]
Love Worth Finding Ministries, “Adrian Rogers: The Divine Design #1918,” YouTube,
Feb 3, 2019. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhV-iS-bMZY.
[10] "1
Thessalonians 5:22 (KJV) - Abstain from all appearance of." Blue Letter
Bible. https://www.blueletterbible.org/kjv/1th/5/22/s_1116022. I usually prefer
the ESV or the NASB, but the KJV really nails it, here. Instead of
“appearance,” the ESV and NASB uses “form,” which can be misunderstood as kind
or type, but the Greek word eidos relates to how something looks
or is perceived.
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